I'm sitting down to type this post, and even as I do, I'm talking myself out of it! I don't know if I will push that PUBLISH POST button once I'm done, but I really need to write right now. Have you ever had one of those days where you are so lost in your own head that you can't seem to get out? Well, this is my way out. It is time to come clean. It is time to lay it all on the table. It is time to be honest. This is where you turn away if all you can appreciate are the roses and happiness in life. Life is not all roses and happiness. It is also a lot of work, and tears, and sweat, and agony, and disappointment, and excitement, and anticipation, and fear, and joy, and laughter, and on and on and on.
A few months ago a dear friend of mine (you know they are a dear friend when they can be this honest) finally got down and dirty and asked the hard question. She said "Heather, do you think you might be depressed?" At which point I broke down in tears and cried my eyes out which was the answer right? This was the beginning. This was the moment that I started to claw my way out of the fog that I had been living in for months. I know how I got into the fog, but it took me time to figure it out. Expectations gone awry is where it started, and from there it was a slippery slope into my abyss. So much of it was of my own doing. We are responsible for how we react to that which happens to us, and hiding never makes anything better.
The time since that conversation has been full of ups and downs and mostly in-betweens. I have really great days where I am super productive, and super mom, and super wife. I have days where I don't want to get out of bed, and I spend the day in front of a book or the television avoiding the house and the kids and the responsibility. I'm sick of it. I'm sick to death of it. I know that life isn't all roses and happiness, but I'm ready to find that part of myself that can find the good in the crappy days. I want to stop hiding because it doesn't make it go away, it just makes the mess bigger so that when it is time to clean up after yourself, it is almost too big to handle. That's how I feel. I spent all those months in the fog, and now the mess is overwhelming. My parenting is in the crapper. No one listens to me anymore because they are all sure that I will never follow through. And the yelling. Oh, the yelling. I spent a long time getting rid of that habit, and it is back. My house is a mess (no really, I promise, I'm not just saying that). I can never find anything when it is needed, and I can't keep anything clean. I used to have a system for everything and a plan for everything else and now I'm totally winging it on everything. I know that works for some of you, but not me. I'm the most happy when I have a plan in place and my systems all worked out. It doesn't always have to go according to the plan, but as long as I have one, I'm great.
So, you ask, What in the Hell is the point? The point is that acknowledging you have a problem is the first step to leaving it in the rear view mirror. This is me, acknowledging that I have a problem. It is a big one, and one that I can't handle on my own. I have spent much of the past several months turning my back on the three people that can help me the most. I won't let any of them in, and I wouldn't have listened if they had tried to speak to me. I'm done. I know better, and it is time to change. If I post this, it won't be until my sweet husband has read it. He will be shocked, or maybe he won't, but either way it will be the first time I have effectively communicated with him about this aspect of my life for a while. The other person on my team is so much more than a person. He always has our backs, even when we've turned on him. All I have to do is humble myself enough to let him in. I hope the fact that I'm willing to put this out into the world is some indication that I'm ready. I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior that are willing to pick up the slack. Unfortunately there is a lot of slack to pick up right now, but I know they are up to the task. It is time to have a little faith, to get back on my knees, and to get back to basics!
I love my life. I love my husband, and I would choose him all over again. I love my babies, and I am grateful that I have been entrusted with such beautiful and amazing spirits to take care of and nurture. It's time to step up to the plate and be the kind of wife and mother they deserve. It is also time to take care of myself. I stopped setting boundaries for myself when I went down hill, but it is time again. I have to find balance. I have to find balance. I have to find balance.
If you are brave enough to still be reading this post, it is probably because you know and or love me. I want to say thank you to Stuart for his unending patience with the worlds most neurotic woman. Thank you to my babies for loving me anyway. Thank you to my family for always showing me you love me and care for me. Thank you to my true friends, you know who you are. Each one of you has strength that you bring to me and to my life, and if I'm feeling weak in your area of strength, don't be surprise if you get a phone call, or a knock on your door. I don't know who or what I'll need, but I can't do any of this alone. Can any of us? I know that I do not rely on others the way I should. I am no super woman, and it is time to put down the act.
I am doing good. I do recognize how blessed I am. I am thankful for so many things. Now that I'm done, I'm not quite sure what the point is. Maybe I just needed to vent. Maybe I just need to know that others know what I have been going through. This is actually a little shocking. I place a high value on my privacy, so I don't know what has gotten into me. Good night. I plan to sleep better that I have in a really long time! And when I return, it will be back to roses and happiness, because there really is a LOT of that in my life.
17 comments:
I know this was hard for you, Heather, but it sure was nice for me to read. I have way to many days where I do nothing. I just feel like it is hard to keep up with it all. I don't know if that's how you feel exactly, but it is just nice to hear that someone else is imperfect like me. And I'm glad that you wrote about your determination to be better. It has inspired me to start to be better.
To my dear Heatherly Humes and all of you young mothers out there.
There is not a thing wrong with pulling the covers over your head every once in a while. Your children will live, and so will your husband.
You girls have the hardest job in the world, which is why 99%of the women in the world run away to work. You, my dear, instead of running away, have stayed in the trenches because you are brave and true.
It is a big lie that you aren't "doing it right". There is no "doing it right", there is only putting one foot in front of the other until you have endured to the end. And it is HARD.
I have been where you are, and so have most of my friends. So let me tell you a little something I have found out for myself is true.
The ugly voice that tells you everything you are doing wrong, that feels dark and horrible and mean, that runs like a manic tape recorder over and over in your head saying your life is not pleasing to your Heavenly Father is not telling it like it is. How do I know? Because I have found out for myself that the voice of the spirit is always gentle, and makes quiet little suggestions, or says something like, Hey, that doesn't seem quite right, here's a better way... It is the way of the adversary to beat us up and beat us down. It is the way of the Lord to encourage us and help and love us. It is the spirit that is the author of all the joy in our lives.
I can handle the truth because I have lived it, and you have discovered for yourself like I did the only way out: prayer, and lots of it; read your scriptures, attend the temple, and let your husband and the many, many people to whom you are so dear tell you the real truth about yourself: that you are amazing, and a joy, and in all the world there is no one quite like you.
And as many times as you need to, grab a book or a girl movie, your favorite kind of chocolate and a blanket and just be good to yourself.
Heather that was so brave. I know after a few things that have happened this year I still feel like I have to put on this face out in public and inside I am dying! Thank You so much for posting this and not deleting it.
Writing definitely has a theraupetic quality to it. I know my blog has been an excellent outlet and a great way to feel support. Keep posting and you may be surprised at how many people you touch and how much love people have for you!
Congratulations on deciding to change things for yourself!
I am so glad that you decided to post this. I know that my blog has been a way for me to work through my emotions more than once. It is a nice way of saying what you need to say without having to say it more than once. I LOVE TO ORGANIZE!!! Invite me over - or what the hell, I will show up next Tuesday. Does that work for you??? Let me help you get your house together. THat is the one thing that I am great at. Admitting that you are depressed is a great accomplishment. I have suffered with depression twice. Once I admitted it and once I didn't. Admitting it was TONS TONS TONS TONS TONS (got it?) easier than trying to force it away. You WILL make it through this!
Finally allowing people to help me when things just couldn't fixed without help is really hard for everyone. But unfortunately sometimes we just need help. I know that you have helped pick up my pieces once already this year when I was too proud to admit that I needed help and my sister had to step in. LET PEOPLE HELP!!!
I agree with the other comments - pray and read your scriptures. I actually felt that it was more productive for me to read the Sunday School and R.S. lessons than just meander through the scriptures. I know that you don't attend those classes but I am sure the knowledge would be greatly appreciated!
Heather,
I just want you to know that I love you! I am glad that you were able to share what you're going through. I know I've been there before & it's really tough. I wish we were still just a mile away so I could help. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Your friend,
Larissa
Hi Heather. Couldn't not stop by and comment (apparently a whole book!) after reading this. Admitting depression is a big step. As someone who has always suffered through depression of and on and is now exiting what was perhaps the worst bought ever, I know how hard it is to just admit it is an issue. I also know how hard it is to "fix."
The trick is figuring if you are teetering on the brink of depression or in a clinical depression that is bigger than yourself. Why is this tricky? Partly because those pesky "mommy inadequacies" which can be helpful in pushing ourselves to do a little better can become more than that. We all get overwhelmed, even if we know it is illogical. Even people who aren't depressed have moments when they are overwhelmed. It is normal.
But sometimes it is more than overwhelming moments... its days upon days of fighting through life. At this point, you need help. Scripture study, prayer and meditation is a start. (Meditation helps keep my anxiety under control which is a HUGE contributor to my depression. What can I say, I'm a worrier.) Lifestyle changes and supportive friends can help.
If within a couple of weeks of using all the tools you have to help bring inner peace and calm and you find yourself still struggling/sinking, get to a doctor. Make sure you have enough iron, thyroid, etc. Get to a therapist and/or on meds. It can change your life in unbelievable ways.
For years, I avoided antidepressants like the plague. That was fine when I was single and I could wallow for the couple of months, etc. It was even ok married but without children. J just gave me space and that was that. But with a child, when I'm depressed, I am far more likely to be an inconsistent parent who yells. That is not the parent I want to be and when I realized that was the parent I was, I knew it was time to try the medication. I told myself it was just a trial for 3 months (which the doctor also said). It completely changed my life and I wish I had done it 6 months earlier (and, looking back, at two other critical periods of my life). The 3 months are up, but my life still has A LOT of stress and changes in it, so I think I'll try going without in the fall. But, if it doesn't go well, I'll be the first to march in and ask for medication again.
Mothering is hard. And you've been through a lot in the past few years. Be kind to yourself and find the support you need to make your life the kind of life you want it to be. Hugs to you.
As if I didn't write enough. One more thought. Studies have shown that exercise can be extremely effective in fighting depression. Prioritize your running (I know, easier said than done). But if you are still feeling this way despite getting exercise more days than not, that is another huge flag that this may be a bit bigger than you.
Wow Heather! I think it's great that you trust us with this. I look back at my life and realize that I have suffered depression, but I didn't know it at the time. Just recognizing that there is a problem is the first step. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but praying, reading the scriptures, going to the temple, and letting others help you are a good start for healing. Also, my sisters have all been on medication for depression and it can help! We'll keep you in our prayers!
Also, I have read numerous articles in the Ensign magazine about depression that are really good. Just go to LDS.org and type in depression at the top where is says search.
Dear Heather-- What a sweet lady you are!...Anything that I might write or advice that I give probably won't help you in climbing out of the fog you are in, although, like these other comments praying is the best tool we have to find happiness--just knowing He is there.
What I wanted to write is that you are so deserving of every happiness the world has to offer. You Heather, are an inspiration and always have been to me. I have watched the way you parent your children and you are great; fantastic even. I know that I'm not around you that often, but when I am, I can't imagine you put on an act. You are fun, and smart, and wise, and kind, and humorous, and confident and beautiful! Please don't let Satan make you think you are otherwise. Because in those moments that you feel less of a mother, inadequate, unaccomplished, unable, and ugly inside, Satan is winning! You are so good and so righteous Heather, and Satan knows that!...Expectations will always be broken, desires may never be fulfilled and decisions will always have to be lived with, but you control your happiness and I have a hunch it's closer than you think!
I love you Heather! Katie
Thank you Heather. It is so coomforting to hear that I'm not the only one who feels like life is really long sometimes. I hope you find peace and and an end to your torment quickly.
Oh, I just want to give you a big hug. Thank you for sharing. I think we all as mothers go through some kind of depression. We try to juggle so much, have so many insecurities, etc. If you ever need anything I am always here. I love you and your family. You guys are amazing.
Heather, I have been so busy that I am just barely catching up on blogs. You amaze me little sister, and I Love you!!! I think that depression runs in the family, I struggle with it daily and I know Mom did for awhile. I hope everything is a little better for you now, and that you are steadily climbing out of the dark abyss.
So many people will agree that this is a REAL thing. Depression is something that I have delt with for the past 5 years. Every baby that I have, it gets worse! I hear you when you said that the yelling, or the bad, down, don't even want to get out of bed days are to many insted of just a few...I was extreemly mean to my kids and husband, and I completly quit going to church! I've now been on EVERY medication possible for depression and am thinking that it's time to see a real doctor insted of just the family practioner. I totally respect you and your decission to write it down and get it out of your head. I hope you don't mind that I am reading your blog. I keep in touch with Larissa Hopkins and I noticed your blog on here. I would LOVE to keep in touch and who knows, maybe we both need someone who is going threw the same things to lean on!
keep in touch.
I think you are amazing! I remember you coming out for XC and tearing past me! {actaully I was embarassed, but happy for you} Just think of it like the kill hill... it takes some time to get to the top but the view from there is great, and... you can even see the finish line even though it's far away.
Depression is a hard one, you are suppose to be everything for everyone {wife, mother, friend sister, VT, teacher, and on and on} but remember that you are woman first and formost, and with comes the very special title of being a daughter of God. Remember that and then let the pieces fall where they may. Take some time for yourself, so you can give your best self.
You are loved.
There have been so many great comments already that I'm not sure I have much to add. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and love you!
One thing I've found helpful is starting a Project (or cleaning) Group with a few friends. I did it weekly for awhile and it was incredible how good it felt to help other women with their projects and get AMAZING help with mine, all while getting to socialize and get my kids out of my hair and let them have their own socialization. Just a thought. I'd be happy to do it with you or just come help you clean or take your kids for a few hours on those rough days (or any day).
Best of luck in this trial. It will probably be long and hard, but you can do it, especially with proper help.
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