Lainey Rebecca... A Birth Story... The long version

It has been 9 days since she was born (now 12 days. It took me a while to get it right) and I have been processing the whole thing since then, and not able to put it into words yet. Today I will try. I may fail, but I will try. First some of the pre-story. Not long after I got pregnant I decided I wanted to try to have this baby without an epidural. I really wanted to have her without any pitocin or anything, but mostly I wanted to have her without an epidural. I had a lot of reasons for this, but the one that was most important for me was that I just wanted to experience it. It was the same reason I trained for and ran my first marathon. I just wanted to know what the experience would be like to allow my body to do one of the amazing things it was created to do. With that in mind, I did a LOT of reading. I asked a LOT of people who I knew had experienced this kind of delivery about their experiences. I prayed a LOT. I tried to prepare myself as much as I could. I would have benefited from taking a class, but my schedule and the distance wouldn't allow it, so I prepared in every other way I could think of. I so wanted to go into labor on my own. I never dreamed I would make it past my due date just based on my past pregnancies, but I did. The weeks leading up to her birth were stressful, and long, and hard. There was Christmas, and New Years, a family tragedy to work through, and the fact that my Dr. is the only OB that works out of my hospital, so the days he was off for the holidays meant that if I went into labor I would have had to go to a different hospital with a different Dr. and that is NOT what I wanted. It all seems insignificant looking back on it (except the family stuff) but it did make the weeks seem very long and full of anxiety at times. I only had one "maybe I'm in labor" moment before the day actually came. I spent about two hours having pretty good contractions in the early morning hours on Dec 28th. They stopped and I went back to bed and continued to wait.

On January 2nd I woke up frustrated and done. It took him some time, but Stuart got me to snap out of it, and I got up and got busy getting things done. I had to keep my mind and body occupied in order to keep from going crazy. It worked, and we had a pretty good day. I went for about a mile and a half walk with Stuart. We had fun, and I had some good contractions while we were out, but they stopped once we got home and I got off my feet. After a long and busy day I was exhausted and actually went to sleep just before 8, which NEVER happens! I am never asleep before my kids, but this night I was, and Stuart handled bed time, and everything while I was passed out on the couch! I woke up at about 10 and took myself to bed and fell right back to sleep. And so the fun begins...

39 Weeks, the last pregnant picture I took. 12/23

At about 11:50 p.m. I woke up with a start. I had a funny feeling and vaulted myself out of our bed and managed to make it to the bathroom before my water gushed. So glad I made it to the bathroom! Stuart woke up asking what was going on. I told him my water broke and to get some sleep and I would let him know when it was time to go. My water broke with Stockton and after that experience I knew that I didn't need to be in any big hurry as long as I wasn't in labor, and I wasn't, so I got up and started waiting. Contractions started about 30 minutes later and they were regular and getting closer together. I had about 6 or 8 of them that were about 4 minutes apart and decided I would get up and get showered and ready just in case. I continued to contract while I was getting ready, but once I got settled back in to time a few they started dying off, and eventually stopped all together. I was disappointed, but hopeful that if I gave it some time they would start back up. I got the dishes done, and everything else I could think of that was quiet and wouldn't wake my sleeping house. I sat down in my recliner at about 4 a.m. and was able to sleep for about an hour. When I woke up I started pacing my house in hopes that walking around would encourage contractions to start. Any time I was up and active I would contract, but as soon as I would sit down and rest for a few minutes they would stop again. I wanted to go outside and walk up and down the street but it was so cold I couldn't do it! All this time she continued to move and roll around inside me which was such a different feeling with my water broken, but such a comfort to still feel her. Stuart woke up for good around 6:30 and was a nervous wreck. It was cute. I had to assure him over and over that I was fine, and we didn't need to hurry. He wanted me to call my Dr. but I knew what my Dr. would say so I kept putting it off. Eventually we decided to get the kids up and get them ready. At 8 I finally called my doctor, and he said exactly what I knew he would, that I should come in and get checked, make sure the cord hadn't prolapsed, and then I could keep walking and stay active and try to get my body to go into labor on its own. Stuart got out of basketball practice that morning, and we called the grandmas, one to prepare her for the kids, the other to let her know what was going on, and we set out on our way. After the kids were situated with Grandma Humes we headed to Mesquite. It was a nervous ride over. Stuart was just glad to have something to do and not feel so helpless, but I was nervous, and not sure I was up for the challenge ahead. I was going on very little sleep, and knew what I wanted out of this delivery, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it if my body wouldn't go into labor on its own. Stuart continued to reassure me and told me I could do it, and I was capable, and I was able to relax. I prayed and prayed that if there was any way possible that my body could go into labor that it would, but that I would be able to do this even if it didn't. We got there at about 9:30 I think, got me admitted and situated in my room. My nurse checked me and I was at a 4-5, which was farther than I had been a week before at my last appointment, but I still had a good way to go. We got up and started walking. It took about 5 minutes to realize that the hospital was too small for me to really make any progress walking around outside the maternity wing, and all I could think about was the sick people so we went back to maternity, and I started pacing the hall. Stuart went for some breakfast, and I walked and walked and walked. I had 6 or 7 good contractions during that hour that I walked the hall but once I went back to my bed to rest for a few minutes, I had one more good contraction, one more weak one, and then nothing. Stuart was back by now, and I was tired, and getting frustrated. I decided a nap was in order. I settled in and fell asleep fast. I slept for just over an hour and woke up around 12:30 feeling much better. At this point since I was still not contracting, Stuart and I talked about it, and made a plan. I would get up and walk for an hour and see if anything changed, and if not we would start on some pitocin. It was the same story, as long as I was up and walking, I was contracting, but when I would rest it would stop. My doctor showed up just after 1:00 to talk about our options, and figure out what we wanted to do. He recommended starting the pitocin up but still gave me the choice to wait it out a bit if I wanted. At this point, I had finally come to the realization that I did not want to keep dragging this out. I was tired and didn't want to keep doing this and then end up on pitocin at 6 pm anyway, so I/we decided it was time. It was about 2 when they started the pit, and I admit, it almost felt good to start feeling those contractions and know that they were getting me closer and closer to baby. I did a great job staying focused and relaxed as they came and as they grew in intensity. I didn't pay attention to how close together they were or how long they were lasting, which was really good for me. Stuart and I played some skip-bo, and he did his best to keep me laughing and distracted between contractions, and tried really hard not to tell me another one was coming when he would see it show up on the monitor (as if I didn't know!). They grew until I just had to stay focused, and needed his help getting through them. He was amazing! At first he was goofy because he wasn't sure what to do, or say, or how to help, but its like he knew when it was time to get down to business, and he was AMAZING!!!

I remember at one point my nurse told me to tell her if I was starting to feel any pressure and she would check me, but we decided to wait till I was feeling it to get checked. When I did start feeling the pressure growing as each contraction came I did ask to be checked and she said I was at an 8. I was really feeling it at this point. I remember asking her "am I really at an 8, or are you just telling me that so I don't get discouraged?" I was REALLY feeling it! It was intense and taking all I had to focus my way through them. It was hard to stay relaxed like I knew I needed to so that my body would continue to open and get ready. She promised me I was at at 8 and really pretty close, but that the baby was posterior, and that's why it was taking so long. I didn't really feel like it was taking that long, so that made me happy. About this time I turned on my left side, because being on my back was no longer working. Up until this point I had been going back and forth from the bed, to standing/leaning on Stuart through contractions, to sitting on a stool, and trying to keep my bladder empty. Once I moved to my left things really ramped up, and I remember questioning my ability to REALLY do this. Stuart stayed right by my side, held my hand and talked me through the whole thing. He helped me keep my focus. Time was such a blur, and I had no idea how much time had passed. I remember reading that in my preparation, but didn't grasp exactly what that meant. Time stopped meaning much. I didn't care, it was all about getting through it. When things were starting to get serious, my nurse came, and stayed put, and really helped a ton too. I remember suddenly needing to go to the bathroom. I asked, and my nurse really didn't want to let me. Finally she told me if I promised not to push, she would let me get up and go to the bathroom. I did need to go, but mostly I think I needed to change positions. I didn't realize that at the time, I do now. I got there, emptied my bladder and had two contractions on the toilet and felt the urge to push so they got me back to the bed. When I got there I did NOT want to get back in the bed. They hooked the monitors back up and I just stood and leaned over the bed through several contractions. There was commotion going on around me, but I wasn't super aware of it. My nurse told another nurse to call my doctor and get him on his way. This is when I started to get unreasonable. The "I can't do this" and "I changed my mind" started about then. My nurse said "You ARE doing this." Stuart remained supportive, and told me I was doing amazing, and that I could handle it. It felt like it took me forever to get back in the bed because I didn't want to be there. I resisted, and I was tense and it hurt! My nurse told me I better get back in the bed unless I wanted to deliver her right there where I stood. Once I got back in the bed and was able to relax into the bed I honestly felt better, I think because so much of the tension was gone. My doctor was there by then, but I don't know at what point he showed up, but I do remember my nurse saying they needed the doctor there "NOW". I knew we were close. There was some screaming. I have never heard anything like those screams I let out. The only word I can think of to describe it is primal. My only goal through this whole thing was to not scream anything I would regret. I succeeded. My doctor prepped me, and gave me some instructions, but all I wanted to do was push. FINALLY it was time!! My body really did take over. I pushed through one contraction. He told me I could keep pushing, but when I felt the contraction subside I decided to wait and rest a second. As soon as the next contraction started though I pushed. Keep in mind this whole thing felt a little like an out of body experience. I wanted to keep pushing but the doc told me to breath while he got the cord unwrapped from her neck, it was wrapped once and then he told me to push again. Her shoulder was stuck. I remember the doctor saying "Oh no, the shoulder is stuck and she doesn't have an epidural." There was the slightest bit of worry in his voice. I could hear it. I felt the nurse pushing on me from my belly and some movement happened, and the next thing I knew she was out. They put her up on my chest and the tears started! Oh my goodness! She was beautiful, and I had done it.! That was the good news. The bad news was I had a 2nd degree tear thanks to those shoulders. Joy. They let me keep her up on my chest for several minutes while the placenta was delivered and such, but when it was time to get stitched I let them take her over to be measured and weighed. That was honestly the worst part. He did numb me, but it was still the worst. The one thing I didn't like about my experience was that I didn't want to hold her while I was getting stitched, but once he was done the baby's doctor showed up and whisked her away to check her out and it took too long to get her back. I just wanted her back! I did get her back, and she was beautiful, and whole. She was born at 4:28 p.m. on Jan 3rd. She weighed in at 8 lbs. 5 oz. my biggest baby! and 19 3/4 inches. I was so happy to have her here. It was over. I had done it. It was nothing like I thought it would be but so much more than I expected. I was able to get myself cleaned up, and walk myself to my recovery room within an hour of her birth. I am so glad I decided to deliver her this way. I loved my doctor, he was great. I loved the hospital. I literally had the entire wing and nurses to myself the whole time I was there. The nurses were awesome. With my other deliveries I have always had one nurse that was horrible, but not this time.

Her first picture

Part of me is still processing the whole experience. It was so personal and a very intimate experience for Stuart and I to  go through together. I am so grateful for his calm reassurance through the whole thing. He admitted later that it was hard to see me go through it and not be able to do anything to help. All I could think was that I could not have done it without him because he helped me so much. The moral and emotional support was so important to the whole process. My prayers to go into labor on my own were answered with a no, but I was never left alone through it all. So grateful for the spirit that was present at her birth. For me it was a very physical, emotional and spiritual experience that I am so grateful for.

6 Days old 1/9

Ramblings of a still pregnant woman

I wrote this about a week ago, and didn't get around to posting it. I need to save this. I need to remember these thoughts and these feelings. Ignore the fact that it is random and doesn't follow any train of thought!

I'm having another baby. I know I announced this months ago, but every now and again I have to say it in order to remember. Not that she lets me forget her much these days. Its been 6 years since I last did this. In some ways it feels like forever ago, and I can't seem to remember anything. I don't remember what "stuff" I need to have to be comfortable once we bring baby home. I have no idea what to pack for the delivery. I'm not sure I will remember how to breastfeed. I can't remember what I did to get my kids on a schedule. How will I survive the sleepless nights, and still be present for my big kids like they need? So much goes through my head. Every. Single. Day. I know how to do three kids. I have not changed a diaper for more than 3 years. What in the world have I gotten myself into?
And on the flip side of this, I spend plenty of time thinking about how much joy another baby will bring into our home. I can't wait to see how each of the kids reacts to her. I wonder if Stockton will get jealous and react badly, or is he old enough that he will just think shes cute and love her anyway? Will I ever get to hold her when Emma is around? Will Preston be as smitten with her as I suspect he will, or will he be more indifferent? I can't wait for that perfect baby smell, and to see her little toes and fingers. Oh how I love baby feet! I can't wait to watch her fall asleep on her daddy's chest, and watch him fall asleep shortly after she does.

I am such a different person that I was the last time I brought home a baby. At times I feel bad that my other kids didn't start out with this woman that I have become as their mom. Then I remember it is because of them that I am the mom that I am. I took so much for granted when they were babies. I don't believe I will make that mistake again. I was sure I was going to be wiping bums and noses FOREVER and I wished so much of my time with them away. I have learned, and I know better. I know that before I have time to even believe it, this little girl will be turning 10, and will be stuck between being a sweet little girl, and a moody, emotional tween.  I know I won't be perfect. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes this time around.

I wish I could take a lasting mental picture of what our lives as a family of five are like. I know that everything will change when she comes. That's just how it goes. I know that we will be better, and happier for having another child come to our family, but it WILL change things. I know it won't take much time at all till we won't know what we did without her.

I'm not sure what the point of all this is, I just know its been rumbling around in my head for weeks, maybe months now, and I just don't want to forget any of it.

I love being a mom. I'm not always good at it. I make so many mistakes and fall short in so many ways. But I love it. I love watching little people grow, and change and become who they are. I love being the center of a little person's universe in a way that only a mom can be. I am so grateful for the opportunity, and blessing it is to have children! I am grateful for Preston. He is my first, my experimental child, the one I make the most mistakes on. I will try to help him pay his therapy bills later on. Preston, you have taught me that this life is NOT all about me. You have taught me to think past this one decision and try to see the bigger picture, to see what this decision will mean for the next decision. Emma, my little girl. You have taught me that I don't see the beauty around me like I should. You have helped me to slow down and enjoy the journey, and not focus so much on the destination. Stockton. Oh Stockton! You are my biggest little lover, and my biggest little pill! You have taught me to never think twice about giving a little bit of myself to someone else, but also that I do need to think before I act. If I am really honest, I have to admit that I am still learning this one. Clearly there is so much more that all three of you have taught me, but these are the most dominant lessons I take from you.

I can't wait to be a mom of four!