Ramblings of a still pregnant woman

I wrote this about a week ago, and didn't get around to posting it. I need to save this. I need to remember these thoughts and these feelings. Ignore the fact that it is random and doesn't follow any train of thought!

I'm having another baby. I know I announced this months ago, but every now and again I have to say it in order to remember. Not that she lets me forget her much these days. Its been 6 years since I last did this. In some ways it feels like forever ago, and I can't seem to remember anything. I don't remember what "stuff" I need to have to be comfortable once we bring baby home. I have no idea what to pack for the delivery. I'm not sure I will remember how to breastfeed. I can't remember what I did to get my kids on a schedule. How will I survive the sleepless nights, and still be present for my big kids like they need? So much goes through my head. Every. Single. Day. I know how to do three kids. I have not changed a diaper for more than 3 years. What in the world have I gotten myself into?
And on the flip side of this, I spend plenty of time thinking about how much joy another baby will bring into our home. I can't wait to see how each of the kids reacts to her. I wonder if Stockton will get jealous and react badly, or is he old enough that he will just think shes cute and love her anyway? Will I ever get to hold her when Emma is around? Will Preston be as smitten with her as I suspect he will, or will he be more indifferent? I can't wait for that perfect baby smell, and to see her little toes and fingers. Oh how I love baby feet! I can't wait to watch her fall asleep on her daddy's chest, and watch him fall asleep shortly after she does.

I am such a different person that I was the last time I brought home a baby. At times I feel bad that my other kids didn't start out with this woman that I have become as their mom. Then I remember it is because of them that I am the mom that I am. I took so much for granted when they were babies. I don't believe I will make that mistake again. I was sure I was going to be wiping bums and noses FOREVER and I wished so much of my time with them away. I have learned, and I know better. I know that before I have time to even believe it, this little girl will be turning 10, and will be stuck between being a sweet little girl, and a moody, emotional tween.  I know I won't be perfect. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes this time around.

I wish I could take a lasting mental picture of what our lives as a family of five are like. I know that everything will change when she comes. That's just how it goes. I know that we will be better, and happier for having another child come to our family, but it WILL change things. I know it won't take much time at all till we won't know what we did without her.

I'm not sure what the point of all this is, I just know its been rumbling around in my head for weeks, maybe months now, and I just don't want to forget any of it.

I love being a mom. I'm not always good at it. I make so many mistakes and fall short in so many ways. But I love it. I love watching little people grow, and change and become who they are. I love being the center of a little person's universe in a way that only a mom can be. I am so grateful for the opportunity, and blessing it is to have children! I am grateful for Preston. He is my first, my experimental child, the one I make the most mistakes on. I will try to help him pay his therapy bills later on. Preston, you have taught me that this life is NOT all about me. You have taught me to think past this one decision and try to see the bigger picture, to see what this decision will mean for the next decision. Emma, my little girl. You have taught me that I don't see the beauty around me like I should. You have helped me to slow down and enjoy the journey, and not focus so much on the destination. Stockton. Oh Stockton! You are my biggest little lover, and my biggest little pill! You have taught me to never think twice about giving a little bit of myself to someone else, but also that I do need to think before I act. If I am really honest, I have to admit that I am still learning this one. Clearly there is so much more that all three of you have taught me, but these are the most dominant lessons I take from you.

I can't wait to be a mom of four!